Hello, 2012!

So, somehow, a new year snuck up on us, and all of the sudden, BAM!  It's 2012!

The holidays were good to us.  We had a wonderful time with family, got lots of good presents, and began some of our own family traditions as well.  Of course it's always hard figuring out how to balance family time during the holidays, especially once you start a family of your own.  But we managed to make it through relatively unscathed, and not nearly as fatigued as we were during our first Christmas as a family of 3.  So we considered that a success!



Checking out his new play kitchen



All 3 grandkids on my husband's side.

With a successful Christmas under our belts, my husband decided to be bold and throw a New Year's Eve party as well.  You know what?  It was so much fun!  We had about 15 people over, including a couple of little cuties (although our own little cutie rang in 2012 with his Nana, so that Mommy and Daddy could party guilt-free). 



Chris and Pete playing Kinect

 So now here we are, nearly two weeks into the new year.  Benjamin's completed his transition to the 2s room at daycare, and loves playing with the big kids.  Things are going well, and I'm looking forward to what 2012 has in store for our family!


17

Seventeen months have gone by since the day I held my baby boy in my arms for the first time.  Every single day, he learns and grows and changes.  He's becoming such a fun and amazing little kid!

What has he been up to lately?

• He's going through a "word explosion".  He went from maybe a handful of words at 15 months to now speaking at least 25 or 30 that I can count.  He's even started to put together two word phrases, like "I go" or "I do" or "I know."
• He's started to say "Oh no!" and put his hands on his cheeks.  OMG cute!
• He can follow commands quite well now - when he wants to.  The other day, I asked him to put his push toy away at Nana's house, not thinking he'd remember where he got it from.  To my surprise, he pushed it right over and arranged it EXACTLY how Nana had it!
• Last night, he found his discarded spoon on the floor a few minutes after dinner - and all on his own, he picked it up, walked to the kitchen, and put it on the counter by the dirty dishes!
• He loves bathtime, especially now that we have "bubbles" and his new toy letters!



In general, he just makes life really super enjoyable! 

Branden's still working his second job on the weekends...though we seem to have found a better family rhythm lately, now that he can sleep in on the weekends and get naps sometimes too.  We both look forward to the day when he can quit that second job...especially because that will mean he has a professional planning job!  It will happen...some day. 

In the mean time, we try to make the best of the time we do have together.  Several times, Ben and I have made the trek to Branden's second job with him and had dinner together out there.  And Branden and I are trying to make sure to take time for ourselves too.  On Sunday, we had a "family date".  The three of us went out to dinner, then came home for dessert (frozen yogurt w/blueberries - yum!).  After Ben went to bed, Branden and I snuggled on the couch and watched "The Tourist."  It was a nice way to reconnect, and without having to worry about getting a sitter or anything.  I highly recommend it!

So that's what we've been up to lately!  :o)  How about you?

I have two blogs

Just as I blogged on Pregosaur during my pregnancy, I am now blogging on the sister blog, Littlesaur, about my experiences raising baby Benjamin. I'm Citysaur on those blogs, and I've already posted my introduction on Littlesaur.

So yeah - me, who's not the best at keeping up a blog to begin with, has committed to two blogs. I want to keep this blog up, because I still need an outlet for things that may not be baby-related, or things that are more personal that I don't necessarily want to share on a national blog.

Like this.

I attended a funeral yesterday at DFW National Cemetery, and of course I couldn't leave without stopping by to see Wayne. It was the first time I'd taken Benjamin, and I won't lie. It was really, really difficult. I just can't get it out of my head that this isn't how it was supposed to be.

Ben Update

That's my little cutie! We call this "SuperBaby with his Crimefighting Pacifier".

So last entry, I mentioned that Ben had a cough. Well, it did turn out to be something - RSV, or Respiratory Syncytial Virus. Other than the cough, and maybe being a little sleepier than normal (and when is that a bad thing?!), Ben isn't showing many ill effects from this virus, though. We went back to the pediatrician on Wednesday, and she sent us home with a nebulizer for breathing treatments. Ben does not like them! Have you ever tried to hold an oxygen mask on a squirming infant? Yeah...not easy. So we faithfully gave him his treatments, and went back today. He's making a good recovery, and we're just supposed to keep up with the treatments and keep him hydrated. The virus should work its way out of his system in a week or two.

Also on Wednesday, Ben had his hearing test. For this test, we were led into a soundproof testing room. I sat in a glider with Ben on my lap, and the audiologist hooked up electrodes on his head - two on his forehead, and one behind each ear. She started with his left ear, and ran a whole series of click and sound tests with a computer, which gave her readouts of his brainwave response. I had to stay absolutely still (so he wouldn't wake up) and completely silent. My mom was in the room with us, and afterwards she said she wasn't sure how I did it! Halfway through, I turned him around and she tested the other ear. The whole thing took about 90 minutes.

The results were basically good. He didn't show any neurological hearing damage. He showed a little bit of conductive hearing loss, but she said that's likely due to fluid in his ears - could be fluid still leftover from birth, or fluid due to the RSV. We're bringing him back in to repeat the test in early June. If he passes that, then all is well. If not, then we'll be referred to an ENT for further testing. Either way, it's likely something that will either fix itself or can be fixed. Definitely good news, and such a relief!!

On the childcare front, we're hopefully working out a plan. We put in our application last November for the only independent/non-church-affiliated daycare center in downtown Dallas. We really, really like the place. We put all our eggs in that one basket. Of course, it's all dependent on timing, and when spots open up. Since there are only 8 spots in the infant room, it can be a waiting game. And that's what it has turned into for us. We're currently second in line on the waiting list - which means 2 kids have to leave the infant room (usually, to head to the toddler room, which they do around 1 year of age) before Ben will get a spot. At first, we weren't sure when exactly that would be. But after a frank conversation with the daycare director, wherein I told him that we were definitely interested in using their center, and we would be taking a spot as soon as it opened, he let me know that we're probably looking at mid to late July. So that's 6 or 8 weeks of a temporary situation. And we think we may have it figured out.

Branden will be switching shifts when I go back to work. He'll go to C shift, which works Fri-Mon, 10 AM - 9 PM. He'll be off Tues-Thurs, so he'll be with Ben those days. That just leaves Friday and Monday to figure out, assuming I work my typical workweek. My mom is off on Fridays, and she has agreed to watch Ben then. So for Mondays, I'm working with my boss/management to see if I might be able to work from home...or if I might just have to take that day off unpaid for a while. No word yet on how that will turn out, but I think we'll be able to figure it out, one way or another. So there's our plan!

It actually works out pretty well. I think it will be easier for me to go back to work (in 3 weeks - whoa) knowing that Ben will be with family for a while. Branden will get to spend a good amount of time with Ben, which he hasn't gotten to do much yet, thanks to working full-time and taking 4 graduate classes this semester. (Thankfully, the semester is over next week). My mom will get to spend some quality time with Ben, which I think she will enjoy (or at least, I hope so!). By the time he does go to daycare, he'll be almost five months old, and ready for some socialization with other babies. The only downside to the situation is that I won't get to spend much time with Branden for a while. We'll be working exactly opposite schedules, and won't have any days off together. If he takes a class over the summer (he's still working that out), then it would be Tues/Thurs evenings for five weeks - so during that time, I would only have one evening a week to see him. But, it's all temporary, and I have to remind myself that plenty of couples work opposite schedules (my sister-in-law and her husband, for example) and they manage to make it work. So I know we can too. Once Ben's in daycare, Branden will switch back to his regular shift, and we'll all have more time together. (And hopefully, once he graduates, either this summer or in December, he'll find a super-awesome professional planner job, and then he'll have real workday hours).

Phew...I had no idea this post was going to turn into a novel! I guess I had a lot to get out! Here's one more picture of our little munchkin...showing off his new talent, smiling! We don't get to see this very often...but it sure is a great reminder of what we're doing all this for. He is so worth it!

Ben's First Month

I can't believe it's been almost a month since Ben was born...and I haven't blogged once since my announcement post on the 14th! I figured since we're approaching the one month mark, I should write a little about how the first month has been. Let's see how much I can remember!

On March 13th, when Ben was a mere 3 days old, we went to my Mom's house for our big friends and family Shower/Party extravaganza! Technically, I wasn't supposed to leave the house (or even be out of bed) according to my midwife's orders, but we had a bunch of family in town to meet Ben, not to mention all the friends who were planning on attending the shower. So off we went! Here's Ben, dressed and ready to go:

The party was so much fun (if a little exhausting), and we were blessed with so many great gifts. And I finally finished the thank you notes today!

The first week and a half of Ben's life was all about...doctor's appointments! We started off a 1-day appt with the pediatrician (who we love - so glad we made a good choice there). Branden took Ben to that one alone. On Friday, March 12th, our midwife stopped by our loft for a home visit. Monday the 15th, Ben had another routine pedi appt (his one-week visit). He was looking pretty yellow at that point, so they did a blood test to check his bilirubin levels. Turns out, they were very high, so they sent over some phototherapy equipment to help his body break down the bilirubin.

Tuesday the 16th, a follow-up appt at the pedi's office...then over to Baylor to get a blood test done to see if the phototherapy was working (it was). Here's Branden and Ben, waiting to see the doctor...

Wednesday, another pedi appointment and another blood test at Baylor - the results there were great, he was basically in the clear at that point! But of course we weren't done with appointments yet, as we had a 10-day appointment at the Birth Center to go to still (which was actually an 8-day follow-up). That was an easy one - they just took his weight, asked how we were doing, and then put his footprints up on the wall (and in our baby book). I need to remember to get a picture of that when I go back for my 6-week check up!



Things went much more smoothly after that week. It took Ben a while to get his days and nights sorted out, but we're doing pretty well with that now. We were also fighting with getting him to sleep in the bassinet - he just wouldn't do it, no matter what we tried. So for a few nights, we were doing whatever we could just to get him to sleep at night - including one night when I slept in the recliner with him on my chest. I finally had an epiphany when I saw how well he took to swaddling during his newborn photo session. We had been given a SwaddleMe wrap as a gift, but I hadn't thought to use it on him at night. That turned out to be the key to getting him to sleep anywhere other than in our arms or next to us! He just needed to feel like he was being held.

The rest of the month has been filled with great visitors, a few trips to my mom's house, and many walks around downtown and trips to the grocery store. Ben absolutely loves being in the Baby Bjorn carrier, and he loves it best with Daddy.


On the 27th, we took a trip to downtown Fort Worth to have dinner with some friends and Branden's parents, who were in town for a dog show. We rode the TRE - here's Mommy and Ben, enjoying the ride:

Branden and I are starting to get the hang of this parenting thing. I know that many, many more challenges await us, and there will always be something new for us to figure out, so I don't want to sound overconfident. I'm merely pleased that things are going much more smoothly than they did those first couple of weeks!

I'll try to be a better blogger and update more frequently. But with an infant around, I make no promises! :)

Meet Baby Benjamin!

Introducing Benjamin James, aka Baby Citysaur. Born 3/10/10 at 6:24 PM. Weighing in at 7 lbs 15oz, 20 1/4 inches long.

I mentioned in my last post on Pregosaur that our midwife wanted us to kick start labor on Wednesday...well kick start we certainly did! We started out at 8:45 AM with her stripping my membranes. Then we did some nipple stimulation and took an hour power walk. At 11:30 AM, the midwife broke my water. We did more walking as we went out to have lunch and gather our bags at home, then back to the birth center. By the time we arrived back at the birth center at 1:30 PM, I was having contractions that were 2 minutes apart and was most definitely in labor!

Not the most flattering picture of me, but here we are, in the early part of active labor, just after arriving at the birth center. I did not look this good as the day progressed!

I won't go into the whole, explicitly detailed birth story, but I'll summarize from here. I labored for about 3 hours before pushing, exploring various positions including the birth ball, the shower, the tub, and hanging off the bedpost. About 4:30 or so, I went to the bathroom at the suggestion of the birth assistant, and I started to feel the urge to push. Pushing lasted about two hours, and was the most exhausting part of the experience. The only downside to not going into spontaneous labor was that Ben hadn't quite descended, so I had to work extra hard at getting him down. That part was difficult, because every time I'd make progress during a contraction, he'd slip back when I went to rest in between.

Eventually, after pushing for a while in the tub and hanging off the bedpost, I got into the bed to conserve energy. I almost had to go back to the bedpost, but when I realized they were about to make me get out of bed, I gave it everything I had, and he began to crown. And that's when things got serious.

Ben came out with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck. He was fine until right at the end, when his heart rate plummeted. When the midwife looked at me and said that we had to get him out now, and that I had to push without the help of a contraction, I knew she meant business. Even though I was beyond the point of exhaustion, I found the strength to get him out fast. They cut and clamped the cord from around his neck as soon as he crowned, and then a few pushes later, he was born. Daddy got to catch him, and he put Ben on my belly, but a split second later, the midwife whisked him away to the resuscitation table to work on him. He was born in distress - white as a sheet, depressed heart rate, elevated breathing and low body temperature. Daddy helped the midwife, and after 45 long minutes, he was finally up to snuff. They placed him on my belly and I fell in love!

Family portrait...that's my mom (Ben's Nana) in the pink, and Wayne in the picture. He couldn't be with us physically, but he was definitely there in spirit!

For more pictures, check out our Shutterfly site - click here.

32 weeks, and all is well!

I figured it was high time for an update here, since I haven't posted in almost three weeks! I'm 32 weeks pregnant now. The picture above was taken on Wednesday. What's been going on lately? Well...

Last Saturday, we had our first baby shower!!! It was sooo much fun! By the end of the day, my face hurt from smiling so much. We got tons of great gifts, and had a blast with all the friends who were there. After the shower, we went out to dinner with my mom, and she gave us even more clothes! Here's Ben's closet now:

He had maybe a third of that before the shower on Saturday. And every single thing is just so stinkin' cute...I can't wait to dress my son in these adorable outfits!

Wednesday the 27th was Wayne's birthday. Not a good day. Very emotional. After a long, trying day at work, I went to visit his plaque at the cemetery and had a good talk with him. I really miss him...the sound of his voice...his laugh...and I try to think of what he would say if he were still here. I hope I'm making him proud. I know he'd enjoy watching me get bigger and bigger. We talked a lot about the baby before he passed away, and I know he was so excited for us. I suspect he's still watching, and is still excited. Even though Ben will never get to meet his Grandpa Wayne, he's going to know alllll about him!

I got a good surprise today...and haven't even gotten to see it yet. I got a phone call from the Fed Ex delivery guy saying that I had a large package, and asking if I was home to receive it. Unfortunately, I wasn't. He then told me it looked like a mattress, and was from Babies R Us! Aww, a surprise delivery off of our registry! I had him deliver it to our doorstep, and then got hold of Branden so he could run home and put it inside. Of course, he put it in the crib. I can't wait to see it! Now we have something to put those mattress sheets on that we got at the shower!

Not very exciting, but there's a picture of the mattress from the Babies R Us listing.

Oh, and our mystery gifter? It was my mom! Thanks, Nana!!!

December, in pictures

I just uploaded a whole batch of pictures from my camera, so I figured a picture post was in order.

First up - Wayne's plaque at the DFW National Cemetery. We visited on 12/13, after we finished up our anniversary celebration.

Branden took this picture of me talking to Wayne.

On 12/19, my aunt and uncle came to town, and one of our stops was NorthPark Mall, to see the holiday decorations made of pecans. My uncle saw these decorations when he was a little kid. :o)

Here's a picture of our Christmas tree, after we finished wrapping presents to take to Midland.


Branden, in the living room at his parents' house in Midland. They're all about Christmas!

Haley opening up the DART Bus from "Uncle B". She always plays with his when she comes over - now she has one of her own!

Rae and I each got one of these nifty grabber things. But the boys had much more fun with them. Here's Taylor, feeding Rae a cookie.

A picture of the pregnant ladies! I'm at 27 weeks, Rae's 16 weeks.

And last but not least, today Branden put together the adorable baby swing we got from Rae & Taylor!

So special

On Sunday, Branden and I went to my mom's house to have our Christmas. We watched both Home Alones, listened to some Christmas music, and ate some really yummy chili.

After opening presents, she told Branden and I that she had something for each of us from Wayne. For Branden, it was Wayne's signet ring, a beautiful gold ring with a square opal stone flanked by two small diamonds, with a gold "H" on top. He put it on, and it fits perfectly.

For me, she told me that when she went through Wayne's papers after he died, she found a list of people he wanted to write letters to. But she didn't find a single letter, save one which he had just begun...to me.

I think the letter says it all...so I'll leave you with that.

I miss you, Wayne. And I love you so, so much.

First Anniversary Celebration!

Hard to believe, but it's already been a year since Branden and I were married!

We celebrated on Saturday, since our anniversary fell on a Monday this year, and who wants to celebrate on a Monday?! We started off the evening with a trust walk. That's right - I walked, blindfolded, all the way from our apartment to the other end of downtown. I knew we were going to a hotel, but I had no idea which one - and this way Branden was able to keep it a surprise until we were inside the lobby.

He made a very, very good choice...the newly opened aloft hotel in downtown. Another successful building rehab (this one a former railroad depot/warehouse) by Hamilton Properties. Branden's kind of tight with the elder Hamilton, Larry, who once told Branden over dinner "My apologies to your wife, but I think we might be soulmates." (I am not making this up, folks!).

After checking into the hotel and spending some time in our fabulous room (with a view of City Hall), we headed out to dinner, which was my treat. After my original plan fell through, we headed to Twisted Root Burger Co., the site of our rehearsal dinner. And just as happened the night we were there for the rehearsal dinner, when we arrived, the TVs were tuned in to the Heisman Trophy award ceremony. We didn't get to see it awarded to Sam Bradford this year, but it was still cool to see such an uncanny parallel! We may have to start making it our yearly tradition.

I was even able to stick to my protein-and-veggies plan, thanks to Twisted Root's Burger-in-a-Bowl, which I've enjoyed on more than one occasion. The buffalo patty is quite delicious atop a bed of greens, I must say!

After dinner, we headed back to the hotel and had an enjoyable night with no responsibilities - Branden had arranged for neighbors to walk our dogs for us, so we were able to just relax and enjoy ourselves.

The next morning we stopped by our old standby, Urban Cafe, for breakfast. After some down time, we headed to the cemetary to see Wayne (his plaque is finally up), and then to my mom's house. Branden put together a piece of furniture for her, then hooked up her new Wii! And then she beat us both at Wii Bowling. I hear she's still bragging about it. ;o)

All in all, a VERY good weekend!

Fun Shopping Day

This past Sunday, my mom and I had a nice day full of shopping and mother-daughter time. We started off at the mall. After Sears and another quick stop, we headed up to Motherhood Maternity. I needed to pick up a couple things, and my mom surprised me by telling me that she was going to pay for whatever I bought! And then, she made me buy even more than I had planned on getting! I ended up with 3 new shirts, a new sweater, and a really nice new purple pea coat - one that actually buttons around my belly!

After we left the mall, we made the trek up to Frisco to visit Ikea. Mom had several pieces of furniture she wanted to pick up (and of course she had checked them all out online first!). We started off walking through the showroom. Before heading down to pick up the furniture, we stopped by the restaurant for a late lunch. Mom had the Swedish meatballs (and they were yum - I know because I helped her out a little!) and I had a chicken caesar salad and a bowl of fruit. Bellies full, we headed down to pick up the furniture. I didn't leave the store empty-handed, mind you. I found a couple of pillow covers for the pillows on the couch, so that they now coordinate with the slip-covered couch in our living room. And I couldn't resist buying a few packs of cute, multi-colored kid's clothes hangers. I'm sure those will come in handy soon!

After all that shopping, we headed back to Arlington, unloaded the car, and settled on to my mom's new sectional sofa to watch some figure skating. Perfect end to a great day with one of my favorite people in the whole world!

In other news, Branden and I finally got the Christmas tree and decorations up last night, at his urging. I was ready to just not bother with it, but I'm really glad he insisted. It looks great, and I had a good time hanging ornaments with him and listening to John Denver & the Muppets singing Christmas songs (only the best Christmas CD ever!).

Tonight was Branden's last final for the semester, so he's officially done until January! Four more classes down. I must confess, I am so very proud of him and all the hard work he's putting into this degree. I know it's for all of us and our future, and I just can't express enough how much it means to me that he's devoting so much time and energy to getting this degree.

And last but certainly not least, the baby seems to be doing well! Since being put on the low-carb diet by my midwife, I've lost at least 2 lbs - and yes, that's a good thing! Ben's kicking up a storm, and I just love feeling him all the time now.

Here I am just a few minutes ago. Twenty-five weeks pregnant today! And I'm wearing my new sweater also. :o)

I've Grown!

Just for fun, I thought it might be interesting to compare my 21 week picture with my 24 week picture, especially since I'm essentially wearing the same outfit. Here I am 3 weeks ago, at 21 weeks:


And here I am today, at 24 weeks:

I don't know about you, but I can definitely tell a difference!

According to Babycenter.com, our little Benjamin is about a foot long right now, and weighs a little over a pound! He seems to be growing well, and he's kicking up a storm these days - though still not really strong enough for Branden to feel, except for one little kick he barely felt last week.

Childbirth class is going well. We have our third session (of 8) this Saturday. We've already gotten a lot of good relaxation techniques to use, and I'm sure we'll learn lots more before all is said and done. Our checkups with the midwife at the Birth Center are going really well - I really love both of the midwives, and will be happy to have either one assist us with our birth! I did get a bit of a talking to at the last appointment - I'm gaining weight a little too quickly, so I've been put on a low-carb diet full of protein and veggies and told to exercise every day. So far I'm doing pretty well, and I'm already starting to feel better as a result of my healthier eating and increased exercise. Amazing how that works!

That's it for now...except that I'm really looking forward to this weekend. Saturday is the Adolphus Children's Parade here in downtown, which I'm hoping to catch a little bit of before we have to take off for class. Sunday I'm having a mother-daughter day with my mom - we're going shopping and lunching. Can't wait!

He is Gone

Yesterday we held the interment service at DFW National Cemetery to finally lay Wayne to rest. He was cremated, and his ashes now have a home in a memorial wall amongst fellow veterans.

The service was simple, beautiful, and very touching. It included a formal flag folding by two uniformed Army soldiers - Howe and Moore were their names, it seemed important to me to remember that. They then presented the flag to Wayne's son, Clay. He was very touched by that move. (This was the same flag that was draped over Wayne's casket at the funeral). Taps was played. Branden and I each had a reading, then we headed over to the memorial wall where my mom said a prayer over the ashes, and then they were placed in the wall and sealed.

Here's the poem I read, titled "He is Gone."

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and
turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins, 1959

Kenneth Wayne Holster, January 27, 1943-October 31, 2009

Surfacing

After a very long and difficult week, I am beginning to slowly surface.

Here's a recap of the last week.

Thursday the 29th (was that really just a week ago?), I got a message from my mom that the end was near for Wayne. After breaking down at work, I had some wonderful coworkers who came to my aid immediately. One of them offered to drive me to my parents' house, since Branden was already on his way to class.

I arrived around 4:00 that afternoon. I was able to talk to Wayne a bit that evening, and he responded a little with smiles and squeezing my hand. At 8:00 on Thursday evening, hospice began 24-hour care - providing a nurse to stay with Wayne around the clock. The end was near.

I stayed the night at my parents' house and Friday I spent the day with my mom. We got lunch at Taco Bell and stopped at the grocery store for some food, since we knew the house would shortly be filling with people.

Friday evening, my aunt and uncle arrived from Norman. My Aunt Julie is my mom's sister. They were there for the long haul. They went to a hotel nearby that evening after visiting with us for a while. I again slept on the spare bed in the back of my parents' living room that night.

Around 3:00 AM on Saturday morning, I woke up for my usual middle of the night bathroom break. As I used the bathroom adjoining Wayne's room, I could hear the fluid on his lungs with every breath. I briefly stopped in to look at him before going back to bed. I knew it couldn't possibly be much longer with him in that condition. It took me almost two hours to fall back asleep.

At 6:00 AM, I thought I heard my name being called out. I was so out of it that when I didn't hear it again, I assumed it was a dream, and laid back down. Minutes later, the hospice nurse came in to wake me up. He said my mom had asked for me. I knew what that must mean as I walked back to Wayne's room. I remember checking the clock in the kitchen as I walked past. It read 6:12 AM.

When I entered the room, my mom was standing next to the bed, holding Wayne's hand. His face was drawn and white. It took me a second to take in the fact that he was no longer breathing. I caught my mom's eye, and I knew. He was finally gone. Six months of suffering with lung cancer, and it was over.

We stayed there with him like that for a while, just the three of us and the nurse. When the time felt right (I think it must've only been 10 or 15 minutes), I began calling family. I called Julie at the hotel. I called my stepbrother Clay. I hated telling them that Wayne had passed, but I did it because it needed to be done. I called Wayne's brother Doug, who would pass along the information to the other brothers. Then I called Branden, who headed our way even though he had barely slept at all the night before.

Family gathered and paid respects to Wayne before the funeral home came. The Chaplain from hospice showed up, and helped us talk about Wayne and share stories. When the funeral home showed up, the Chaplain led us all in prayer around Wayne's body. Then we each told him goodbye in turn and left the room. When it was my turn, I kissed him on the forehead and said to him "I will always love you." Then they took him away.

Saturday passed in a haze. Slowly family began to leave, until it was just me, Branden, my aunt and uncle left with my mom. My mom's other sister showed up that afternoon, and stayed the night at my mom's house. I went home that night, and it felt good to sleep in my own bed again.

Sunday I went back to Arlington, and went with my the family to the funeral home to make arrangements. They were impressed with how much my mom already had prepared. She said that's what you do when you have six months to get ready for something like this. We ate lunch at El Chico after visiting the funeral home. My mom's youngest sister left that evening with plans to drive my grandparents down for the services on Thursday.

Monday I again went back to my parents' house, just to hang out. It felt good to be there - like that's where I was supposed to be. Thank goodness for my understanding boss and my company's excellent bereavement leave - I got the entire week off, and will only have to use one vacation day.

Tuesday I decided to stay home. Branden was off work for three days, and we really needed a day to do things around the house. I took my one-hour glucose test, which consisted of drinking a special neon-orange glucose drink and then having my blood drawn at the Birth Center an hour later. My results came back on the low side, but the midwife isn't worried, so I'll just take the test again at 28 weeks. Branden and I also voted, and got some other stuff done that day.

Wednesday Branden and I got ready and headed to my parents' house around mid-morning. When we got there, my mom had already received the call that we could go to the funeral home for a private viewing. We went - just the four of us now, as my uncle had driven back to Oklahoma to pick up my two cousins.

Wednesday evening was the viewing, and I was impressed by many things. So many flowers were delivered! It was a beautiful outporing of love. And so many people showed up. I personally had my three closest girlfriends, my second mom, and four coworkers show up to the viewing. It made me feel so loved and supported. My work also sent a huge, beautiful floral spray - another wonderful show of support. We got through the viewing, and when Branden was finished with class, he came to pick me up at my parents' house. It was after 11 before we got home that night.

Thursday (yesterday) was the funeral. It was every bit as difficult and emotional as I thought it would be. The service was beautiful, other than a couple of glitches from the sound system, and we got through those. I cried rivers. My mom finally let out some of her tears. My friend Ashley's aunt and uncle officiated, and they did an absolutely beautiful job. I am so very thankful to both of them for their help.

After the service, we went back to my parents' house for lunch. Wayne's friends from the lake parks (where he served as gate attendant in his retirement) already had a huge spread set out by the time we got there. There were tons of people who showed up to eat. The house was full, and it felt like a nice way to say goodbye. Slowly people trickled out. Branden went to class. Finally, it was again just me, my mom, my aunt, uncle and cousins. They left in the early evening hours, and I spent a couple of hours watching TV with my mom and packing up food to take home while Branden was in class. Finally, around 8:45, I left too. I left because my mom wanted and needed to be alone. I'm thinking of her today, but I know she needs her time. I know it's okay and even healthy for her to cry and grieve, and I'm letting her do that. She knows I'm only a phone call away.

Today I'm feeling okay. Not great, not all better, but okay. I feel like I got out a lot of the tears and emotion that had been building up yesterday. I know there will be more from time to time, and I know I have only begun to miss my father. But with only one step left in the process (a private family ceremony at the National Cemetery once he's been cremated), I am ready to begin healing.

I know this has been a long post, and if you have read this far, I'm impressed! I think this started out as a blog post and turned into a therapeutic way for me to write about the events of the past week and also keep a record of it for the future. I will add one more thing before I close out this post - and that is that I have been feeling little baby movements this past week, and it is incredible! I can't wait until they're stronger, so Branden can feel them too! It really has illustrated the circle of life thing for me. My baby boy awoke to me right around the same time Wayne left this earth. Seems more than just coincidence to me...

It doesn't get any easier...

I'm really trying to stay positive...but today certainly didn't help.

Over the weekend, I got confirmation on my suspicions regarding Wayne. I suspected that once he was bedridden, that was the beginning of the end. I just know him and I know his spirit and I knew that he wouldn't want to live like that. On Friday, he told my mom and me that he was ready to go. That he didn't want to be a burden on anyone anymore, and he knew his time was coming.

Today, more news. Wayne's hospice nurse suspects the beginnings of pneumonia and a UTI. Because he doesn't wish to have any life-prolonging care or treatment, he won't receive antibiotics. So the nurse doubled his morphine and that was that. It's likely the infection could end his life sooner.

My mom has been great throughout this process. She has been there by his side every step of the way, learning everything she can to support him and help herself through each stage. She has been a wonderful advocate for him, as well as a caretaker and companion. I am so proud of her. I will not call her strong, because I learned from a recent widow from our Gilda's Club support group that they get tired of being called strong when they feel anything but. I will say that she has done everything she could for him, and more.

I really tried to soldier on through the day after hearing the latest news, and I was doing a pretty good job until I left work. I was in a rush to catch the bus and tried to take a shortcut over the grass berm in front of our building. Big Mistake! As soon as I hit the downhill slope, I felt my feet fall out from under me and I went crashing down on my rear end. Did I mention that said berm was quite muddy? So I sat there, covered in mud, and watched my bus drive right on by. Thank goodness for a kind coworker (and friend) who gave me a ride home, despite being covered in mud!

Life goes on, right? So I'm waiting for my dryer to beep so I can throw on some clothes and go get groceries. Such is life...

Things that make me happy

In an effort to keep a positive outlook and stay upbeat lately, I've been focusing on the positive. Here are some things that make me happy...

1. Watching "The Office." I'm currently on Season 5, thanks to Netflix!

2. Hanging out with my Mom. We're going shopping for baby items at a big resale event tomorrow, and I can't wait!

3. Playing Guitar Hero 5 with Branden...even though I always have to play bass to his guitar. :)

4. Going to the State Fair! Doing this on Sunday, and can't wait to get to ride the train right up to the main gates!

5. Finally looking pregnant! Here I am at 17 weeks on Wednesday the 14th:

6. My birthday! On the 24th, I turn...

And finally...#7 - our Big Ultrasound on the 26th! We finally get to find out...

Let's just hope our little CityBaby cooperates and shows us the goods!

A Great Weekend

I have had a wonderful weekend! After the emotional mess that happened on Tuesday, it was very welcome.

Saturday started out with a trip to Arlington to spend some quality time with Wayne. This time around, there were no big surprises waiting for me when I arrived, and no unexpected trips to the hospital either. Just me and Wayne and lots and lots of great conversation. White I was there, I also got him food, helped him into the living room, cleaned up his room a little for the company he was to have that evening, and helped him into the bathroom so he could clean himself up a little before I left. The best part was just sitting in the recliner next to him and talking, about anything and everything. He was back to his old self, no traces of Tuesday's scare left, and I can't put into words how grateful I am for this. It was a wonderful visit!

From Arlington, I headed up to Wylie to visit with Jeana, her baby Taryn, and Lindsey. It's been months since I've seen Taryn, and she's grown so much! Here is Taryn, hanging out in the high chair at Taco Bell. She's almost 9 months old now:

After a great visit with the girls, I headed home and fell asleep on the couch while Branden played on the computer.

Today has been a great around-the-house day. We started out with a trip to Cafe Brazil in Deep Ellum for brunch. Since then, I've done laundry, played on the computer, watched Grey's Anatomy online. We got groceries this afternoon, and I made taco salad for dinner. Now we're re-watching An Inconvenient Truth at Branden's request.

So that's been my weekend! Hope yours has been good as well. :o)

Father's Day

I'm finally able to post about our Father's Day!

We're having internet issues at home, and I've been back and forth with AT&T many times. We should've had access over a week ago, but it's looking like it'll be Thursday before anything happens now. So, I'm having to steal moments online wherever I can. Right now, that happens to be at my parents' house, where the boys are continuing their game from last weekend.

Speaking of that, Father's Day was really something special around here! The cast of characters here to celebrate with Wayne included my mom, me, Branden, Branden's best friend Pete, Pete's girlfriend Rachel, Branden's friend Chris, Wayne's son Clay, Clay's best friend Chris, and my best friend Lindsey. Did you catch all that? :o) Oh, and for good measure, my parents' dog Sooner, and our dogs Jock and Pepper, too!

The boys (and Rachel) played a modified version of Dungeons and Dragons, which they called Castle. It is a role-playing game with dice and little characters and a huge, awesome castle Wayne built:



Close-up of the top of the castle:

In honor of the occasion, we ordered a castle cake from Confections in Cake. Erika did an excellent job! It even brought Wayne to tears.

Every castle has to have a King and Queen, so here are ours:

Somehow, the Queen's crown made it onto the Doggy Prince, Sooner:

Here's me!

Pete and Branden, goofing around:

Me and Lindsey:

Wayne kept the crown on for a while. Here he is with Pete and Rachel, in the midst of game play:

Chris, Clay and Chris getting into the game:

Finally, it was time to cut the cake!

After a long day and lots of people, the cake was rather sad looking, being half-eaten. But boy was it delicious! It was pineapple flavored, with cherry filling (and real cherries!).

Here's a cute shot of Sooner, in his honored spot on the couch cushion. Poor Pepper really wants to come in and join the party! (Don't worry, we let him in shortly after this picture was taken).

It was a wonderful day, and Wayne told me it was his best Father's Day ever, which is exactly what we were going for. We love you, Wayne!