Branden Update

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who has offered support over the last couple of weeks. They've been a bit rough, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Having friends who I can lean on, people who will bring us food - it all means the world to us both.

Branden had his follow-up appointment with his doctor on Friday. It was a very positive visit, and I think it really motivated Branden to work on his recovery. The doc told him the following:
1. He needs to start putting weight on the leg - effective immediately.
2. He should start working on keeping his leg straight.
3. He should wean off the crutches over the next two weeks.

And he goes back to work on Monday! He'll still be behind the desk for a while, but it's a start. ever since then, he's been doin exactly what the doc said. He's already able to hobble about, and this morning we walked all the way to the other end of downtown to go vote...albeit very slowly and with the aid of the crutches. This is great progress!

I'm excited to see him begin the recovery process, and even though we've still got many months until he's 100% again, I'm very encouraged so far.

The weekend is going well so far. Last night I went with my friends Lindsey and Christina to go see a performance of Crazy for You put on by the Music Theatre of Denton. Operawife played the role of Irene, and the show was absolutely fabulous! I was reminded of just how much I love musicals, and I hope to attend more as funds allow.

I also got to meet a fellow Knottie/Nestie, Rachel, who I've "known" online for quite a while now - since we were both planning our weddings and posting on the Knot message boards at the same time (she got married last November). I was excited to finally get to meet her in person, and she's just as sweet in person as she is online!

I'm currently watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with Branden. I need to watch "Chambe of Secrets" tonight for the Harry Potter Revisited contest (see sidebar), but Branden wanted to start from the beginning, since he's never read the books or really paid attention to the movies - though he has seen one in the theater with me and my parents. I suppose I should go pay attention...I always notice new things each time I watch these movies.

I am not okay

I have to admit it...as much as I've tried this week to be okay, I am not okay.

I will be. But I am not yet.

I have tried to be strong, and for the most part it has worked. And I know I will continue to be strong. But deep down inside, I am not okay.

I am not okay with the fact that my stepdad has lung cancer. That is not okay with me. That makes me angry, and hurt, and it is just so wrong. It isn't supposed to happen to him. He is too good for that. It's not okay.

It has been one week since my parents invited us over to tell us the news. I am inspired and in awe of their positive attitude. I am doing my best to emulate that positive attitude. For the most part, I am doing a good job. But I still know that deep down inside, I am not okay.

I am not okay with the fact that it is stage three...and inoperable. I am not okay with what he is going to have to go through...the chemo, the radiation...whatever course of action is decided upon by his doctors once all the test results (needle biopsy, PET scan) come in. I am not okay with the fact that I now know what a PET scan is. I am not okay with the fact that dirty, ugly, black cancerous cells are making themselves at home inside his lungs. They have no right to be there.

I know in my heart of hearts that he will fight this. That he will go into remission. That my parents will have great vacations and fun RV trips. That he will be in the waiting room when I give birth to my first child. That he will be around to see that child grow up, at least for a little while. That he will have a wonderful life, just as he has the past 66 years, until it is his time. The doctors say he has a really good chance of making it to the 5 year mark, because he's otherwise in such good health. And that's just an average...it could be much more than that.

I am definitely okay...in fact, proud...of the fact that he is in such good health. I am proud that he has lost so much weight (in a healthy way) since his triple bypass surgery three years ago. I am proud that because of those choices, his body is prepared to fight. He's always had a fighting spirit...I know that from all the stories he's told me over the years...but now he has the body to match. I am proud of him for that.

I can't decide if Branden's surgery has been a good distraction from all this...I'd like to think it has. Taking care of him post-surgery has taken up most of my physical and emotional energy since then. He's been an excellent patient, and I know he hates feeling like a burden. But he has not been a burden. I am taking care of him because I love him, because I made a vow that I would be there for him no matter what, and because I know he would do the same for me. It really isn't any trouble...it's just energy-consuming, what with fixing meals, keeping up with his Polar Care 500, taking out the dogs four times a day, keeping things picked up, making sure he's clean and well-fed and has water and medicine and entertainment...

Like I said, it's no problem. It just consumes my energy. And so I am not okay. Not yet. And perhaps I'm not supposed to be yet. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it's okay that as I sit here, listening to the hum of his cooler, watching him sleep, that tears roll down my face. Maybe it's okay that I had to leave my best friend's party because I couldn't sit there and watch people smoke. (I feel awful about that...it was her day, and I wasn't okay enough to celebrate with her).

I do know that I've never felt so old as I do now. These are adult situations that I'm dealing with, and I hope, at least outwardly, that I am dealing with them with as much grace as I can muster. This blog post...this isn't my public face. These are my private thoughts...but somehow it helps to get them out in the world.

I am not okay...but I will be. I don't need sympathy...if anyone deserves that, it's Wayne, or Branden, or my Mom, who are all doing what they have to do to move on. I am playing my part, and I will be okay. Really, I will.

We have a date!

A surgery date, that is!

For those of you who don't know, my husband Branden tore his ACL on November 18 of last year. He was on duty at the time, as a bike officer for the Downtown Safety Patrol. Something like this:

(That's him on the left, actually, in a promo photo taken before November 18).

The injury occured when he was struggling with a homeless guy who decided he wanted to be beligerant. The dude started swinging at Branden, who was wrestling with his heavy glove so he could get to the trigger on his pepper spray. Long story short, Branden moved wrong while trying to keep the guy off him, and POP! His ACL tore clean through, like this:


The injury couldn't have been more clear-cut - he was in uniform, in the line of duty, and has numerous documents to back up his case, including a police report, a Safety Patrol report, a pre-employment physical, and a doctor's report from that day. And yet, it has still taken almost five months of wrangling with worker's comp insurance (a pox on your house, Texas Mutual!) to get this surgery scheduled. I could go on and on, but let's just say that the journey included innumerable phone calls between Branden, his doctor, his local insurance contact, and a claims adjuster out of state. And multiple denials of the claim...he counted three or four total, before finally getting approval two weeks ago. It's been a hot mess, but the end is in sight.

Oh, what's the date, you ask? April 29.