Tonight, I held him and I cried

Tonight, I held him tight. His fresh, clean hair, still wet from bathtime, pressed into my cheek. His breathing was the slow, rhythmic breath of a baby just fallen asleep. I held him in my lap, his legs so long, spilling off the side of the pillow. I remember when he was half this size, so tiny and compact. As he drifted off to sleep, I held him and a tear escaped. Where has my little baby gone? Who is this big (wonderful, sweet, loving, active, inquisitive, smiley) kid who has taken his place?

Tonight, I held him and I cried. Tears of sadness for my baby, who didn't keep. Tears of joy, for seeing the boy he will become. Tears of love, for being allowed to experience something so great.

Tonight, I held him and I cried.

Babies Don't Keep

I hope that my child will look back on today
And see a mother who had time to play.
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up while we're not looking.
Dusting and scrubbing can wait 'till tomorrow
For babies grow fast we learn to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep
I'm nursing my baby and babies don't keep.

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today, this is what I saw...



Then there was this...



Followed by this...



And now this!



I can't believe it's been a year since that positive pregnancy test! This past year has been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. But ultimately, I have the best gift ever to show for it - my beautiful son, Benjamin James.

4 months already?!

My baby Benjamin...you turned 4 months old yesterday! These last four months have been incredible, amazing, a bit trying, but so wonderful. Daddy and I are working out our issues and learning how to be parents together, which isn't always easy. But you make it so worth it!

So, what are you up to these days?

*You looove chewing your hands. Can't get enough of them. I know you'd love it if you could just stuff that whole fist in your mouth.

*You're still exclusively breastfed, even though Mommy has been back at work for over a month now. I have to pump three times a day to make sure you get enough to eat, but so far, it's going well.

*You're generally a pretty good sleeper. We stopped swaddling you several weeks ago, and you didn't mind at all. You'll take naps in your crib, but I don't think either of us are ready for you to sleep there all night yet. Right now, you're still sleeping in the co-sleeper bassinet next to Mommy's side of the bed.

*You're a very happy baby! You love to smile, and I've gotten you to laugh a few times. You're still very stingy with the laughs, but the smiles come all the time now - even first thing in the morning. I love how you wake up happy!

*Daddy weighed you the other day on the bathroom scale, and we think you're close to 14 pounds. We'll find out for sure on Monday, at your 4-month appointment. You'll get more vaccinations then too. You did great with your 2-month shots, so I hope you do equally well this time.

*Your favorite thing to do is stand up. We still have to hold you steady, but your strong little legs can bare all your weight no problem.

*You hate tummy time, but we make you do it anyway. Your arms are still a bit weak, especially compared to your superbabylegs, but we're working on it. You've rolled over a few times, but I think it's just because you were on an uneven surface. Still waiting to see a real "rollover".

*You have your entire family wrapped around your finger. They all adore you, and why wouldn't they? You're the cutest baby ever! (Daddy and I agree on this).

I love you so much, Benjamin, and I truly enjoy watching you grow up and learn about the world around you.

Love,
Mommy

Dance Magic baby

Dancing Baby Ben! We were watching The Labyrinth the other day, and Branden started making Ben dance. It was just too cute, so I got it on video...

Date night, and Ben laughing!

This has been a big weekend! It started out last night, with our first date night since Ben was born. Branden really outdid himself for this one! He wouldn't tell me what we were doing, so I was in suspense for several weeks, wondering what he might have up his sleeve.

We started out with dinner, which we cooked at home. My mom was going to watch Ben for us, so Branden invited her to have dinner with us. He bought prime beef from the meat market down the street and we had steak, mashed potatoes (a joint effort between me and my mom, who finished them up while I fed Ben/got ready) and steamed squash (I made that).

Imagine my surprise when, just as I was about to go upstairs to get dressed, Pete and Rachel walked in the door!! I was so happy to see them. Yay for a double date!

So we all ate dinner (delicious - Branden did a great job with the steak!). Then we headed out to catch the train. Branden did a fake out and we almost got off at the Deep Ellum station, but when we sat back down, I knew exactly where we were going. Fair Park Station...Music Hall...

Yesssss! I was so excited to finally see Wicked for the first time. And it was everything I hoped (and had heard) it would be! Loved it!!! And even better to get to see it with friends.

On the way home, the guys stopped for ice cream while Rachel and I went back to the loft to relieve my mom (it was awfully late!). After she left, I fed Ben while everyone else ate their ice cream and talked. (I did, eventually, get to eat my ice cream too). It was a great night!

And today has been a great day as well. Ben and I went shopping for some dinner items to make Branden a special Father's Day dinner. When we got back, we were playing together on the couch, and I noticed he was in a really good mood. I hopped up to get the camera, and this is the result: Ben laughing video [Note: I can't get the embed code to work right, so you'll have to click the link and go to youtube - sorry about that!]

Branden's home now, so I'm going to spend a few hours with him on his first Father's Day!

I have two blogs

Just as I blogged on Pregosaur during my pregnancy, I am now blogging on the sister blog, Littlesaur, about my experiences raising baby Benjamin. I'm Citysaur on those blogs, and I've already posted my introduction on Littlesaur.

So yeah - me, who's not the best at keeping up a blog to begin with, has committed to two blogs. I want to keep this blog up, because I still need an outlet for things that may not be baby-related, or things that are more personal that I don't necessarily want to share on a national blog.

Like this.

I attended a funeral yesterday at DFW National Cemetery, and of course I couldn't leave without stopping by to see Wayne. It was the first time I'd taken Benjamin, and I won't lie. It was really, really difficult. I just can't get it out of my head that this isn't how it was supposed to be.