Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A Shared Pain

Last night, I watched Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette perform a courageous short program, just two days after her mother unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack.

It was too much for me to take. Because I know her pain.

I may not be an Olympic figure skater. But that look on her face when she finished her skate, as she was overcome with emotion - I know that pain.

And I know all too well the feeling of going through something so huge and wishing, wanting with all your heart, that you could share it with that parent who sacrificed so much for you.

But it's just not meant to be. So you go on, you forge ahead. Because that's all you can do.

There's irony in our situations, me and Joannie. Terrible, painful irony. Joannie would not have made it to the Olympics if her mother hadn't sacrificed so much for her dreams of being a champion. And I wouldn't be four weeks away from having my first baby if I hadn't found out last summer that my father was dying of cancer.

I so desperately wanted him to meet his grandson. We pushed up our timeline on having a baby because we wanted that so badly. And oh, how he tried to make that happen for us. Up until just a couple of weeks before he died, Wayne was still talking about how he was determined to stick around so he could hold his grandbaby.

I told him, a week or so before he died, that it was okay. We all knew his time was near, and I told him it was okay that he couldn't stick around. We'd be okay, me and Branden and the baby.

And we will be. Because we have to be. What other choice is there? But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, when I feel this child move inside me and think how very much Wayne would've enjoyed this time. When I think about the moment my mom enters the room to meet her grandson for the first time, and how Wayne should've been there too.

And so, while I might not be an Olympic figure skater, I know the pain Joannie is experiencing. And I feel for her. My heart goes out to her. That is a pain I don't wish on anyone.

My heart also goes out to my friend Serena, who lost her mother to the evil that is cancer over the weekend. Serena, I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. I know too well the heartache you are dealing with, and I wish you didn't have to go through it.


Amy, queen of the world. said...

You are precious. :) I'm sorry that your daddy couldn't be physically here for little Benjamin's arrival... but he'll be there. You'll feel him there that day. In other news, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM!!! :)
Love ya! Amy

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